just make it go away.....

don't you dare tell my sister, or my mother, or lindalee- but i have mastered the art of overdoing it and i am paying for it today.

i so wanted to be the person that could kick cancer's ass.

i so wanted to be the person that could find out she has cancer, get the surgery, lose a kidney, come home from the hospital, and return to life as she knows it.

i so wanted to be that person.

i am so not that person.

and i am sad. and i am mad. and i want all of this to be over.

i want to be the person that can get up and drive. or go make dinner.

i want to be the person that can go scrap with her friends on saturday, go the the museum with her family on sunday, hang out with her brother, niece, and nephew and kids on monday- and not feel like she got ran over by a freaking bigrig on tuesday.

i am not that person.

when will i get to be me again?

when will i be the girl that beat cancer and not the girl who cancer is beating?

oh God, i know that i should be grateful. I know that there are people who are dying and who are going through so much more. but this is so much harder than i thought it would be.

please make it go away.

i need to be me again.