coming up for air....

well, i survived it.

the first week of work has passed and i have survived. i cried many many times this week when i began to walk to Poppy's classroom only to realize halfway there that she was gone. and also when i felt like i just wasn't ready to be there.

my students are very good this year. my biggest problem is going to be three boys who like to talk too much- so if that is all i have to deal with behavior-wise i'll take it! i have some kids who have psychological concerns but i think they feel safe with me so i am hopeful.

my coworkers have been great. they all ask how i am feeling and sometimes i wish they wouldn't but i understand where they are coming from and answer "good" with a smile. i don't add anything else but quickly change the subject.

this past year i stopped going up to the teacher's lunch room because i was so sick. Poppy and i would meet in the femail staff lounge where there are two couches. she would take one, i would take the other. how i wish those couches were gone this year. seeing them makes me want to just vomit! anyway- this week i went up every day. it was not fun- but i need to do it. i need to go up there and sit with my people so that i don't fade into oblivion and think of Poppy when there are still so many people that i adore at work- and need to cherish time with them while i still have it.

this week i also had a lot of personal issues going on with my son. he is thirteen and we have to have it out every once in awhile. this week was a lot of talking to his birth mom and trying to end up on the same page. such a stressful bag of bullshit sometimes. but the tension is settling and hopefully all will remain stable for the next few months.

how i wish i could pretend though. you know those people that are always smiling and happy and blissful! well, we all know that they have down days- but we may never see it. i don't think i can be that person. my emotions are too strong to hide sometimes.

right now- i am feeling grateful that this first week has gone well.

right now- i am hopeful that my doctor's appointment brings me only good news this week.

right now- i am realizing that work probably won't ever feel the same without her.

right now- i am learning how to cope.

right now- i am coming up for air.

because for such a long time, i have felt like i could not breathe. and finally, right now, i can come up for air......