i hate nights like this.
i tried to go to bed hours ago- literally, i have been laying in bed tossing and turning for over two hours now. and i just cannot fall asleep. my brain just goes round and round and round.
and i think about shit that i can't change or do anything about. i make up lists in my head. random, typically pointless lists. i talk to myself about things that i cannot figure out. and bills- good god, when that topic sneaks in there- i am doomed.
tonight my thoughts are filled with Poppy and going back to work. taking her husband to clean out her room on thursday. lists for the soccer team i am coaching. phone calls and emails i have to make to various doctors offices. possible skin cancer. kidney cancer. dental bills for the kids. account balances. checks that have not posted yet. babies. what i have to cook that is in my fridge before it goes bad. then back to Poppy. and prayer. frustration. self talk begging myself to stop this ridiculous cycle and just go to sleep. sex. no sex. going back to work. not going back to work. instructional planning- or lack there of. school in the spring. first aid classes. Poppy. getting together with friends thursday night. fundraiser for Poppy tomorrow night. soccer practice. hurricane harbor with all the kids tomorrow. grocery lists. call grandpa- you missed his bday loser. bobby's visit. my brother. my sister. account balances. Poppy. Poppy. Poppy. going back to work. frustration.
and after all this- my bed still looks the same:
its a terrible cycle. its a terrible thing. no sleep. making myself crazy! not being able to hit the off switch. and worst of all, sleeping next to someone who has ABSOLUTELY no problem sleeping- EVER!!!!!!
dear God, make me a robot. now. please. give me peace of mind to close my eyes and just give it all to you. give me the ability to just let it all go. Please. bless my mind and bring me peace. thanks.
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
3 comments:
I am so sorry that you are having a crap night sleep wise, its hard to tune out when your mind is racing like that and you have so much going on. I hope you get some peace and are able to let things go and find some sleep. Hugs
I know your days must be tough, I am praying for you. I just ran across your post on Bring the Rain, and thought that I would check your blog. Definately praying. If you need to talk, just let me know.
Michelle
Hey.
Just reading your blog after linking via Sketchbook. Loving all that scrapping you have going on!
I sooo hear you when you said you hate beinig awake when the one next to you never has those problems. I think it's the lonliest time of night when you are awake and everyone around you is asleep.
Hope the thoughts doing all that running quiet down for you soon :)
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