Health Update

i have been to the doctor's since i got back. i was also on the phone with them during my break from reality. here is what i have learned:

1. i am the YOUNGEST person that my surgeon has ever had to tell that they, do in fact, have kidney cancer.
***now- while this may not impress you, it was a great shock to me. i mean, i knew that he was having trouble with my age (31 by the way), i had no idea that i was the youngest person he had ever diagnosed with kidney cancer. he just told me last week. the next youngest wasn't even close! not even in his 30's for that matter! it's just strange to know this kind of information. i think i could have gone without knowing....

2. Topamax is bad if you have one kidney.
***now- while i learned this on my own, it was recently confirmed by my doctors and i am no longer on the medicine. this makes me nervous because Topamax is amazing for preventing migraines! so, it is back to the drawing board. i think that i am just going to stick with biofeedback and natural "cures" for the moment. this is with guidance from my neurologist- who is very aware of me, my beliefs, and my desires. it's just what will be best for me at the moment.

3. Infusion centers.
**now- Have you even heard of such a place? well, i haven't. until now. i will be visiting an infusion center once a month for two to three hours. this is the plan. pray for me now. i am not good in hospitals and they are not good with my viens. i will have to be hooked up to machines and IVs for a few hours in the hope that it all matters. i will be infused with things that should already be produced in my body but they have found that i am "lacking 25% from the average adult female." while this is not such a shocker (some doctor somewhere has already ran all the tests to find out this stuff- not as much blood in the brain, not as much oxygen in the brain, not as much magnesium in the brain, not as much sense in the brain!!!!!) the idea of INFUSION sure is!

4. Urine analysis
***yes- i am still pissing in a big orange container once a month! today is the day! sorry- was that TMI?

5. Therapy
***you'd think, right? funny thing is- i am doing okay. went to one therapist when i was first diagnosed, got a lot of good information, but found that i am too self-aware for all of that mumbojumbo at the moment. this is not to knock therapy- i spent many years in the shrinks chair and am much better for it, just don't need it right now.

6. Secrets
***there are some medical issues that i am dealing with that i choose not to share with people. well, very recently i shared it with one person and i am so glad that i have. it is nothing life-threatening or anything, just something i have dealt with for many, many years now. i am now, at this time, going through it all again. pray for me. hope that whatever is meant to happen, will. and either way- i will handle it with grace. and please, if you are my family or my friend- respect my choice not to share this information and just do what i have asked of you now.

7. cancer stuff
***now- my scars are super bright pink. i hate them. my husband loves them. i don't get it. they are ugly and bright on my pale white stomach. they remind me of the lack of control that i really have in this life and that frustrates me. don't get me wrong, i'd rather have scars on my stomach then a headstone with my name on it, but these damn things just make me angry sometimes.

since my radical nephrectomy (Surgery to remove an entire kidney, nearby adrenal gland and lymph nodes, and other surrounding tissue.) i think i have handled the whole cancer thing the way most people do. we are sad, angry, shocked, and scared. but in the end, we accept it, choose to be better for it, we fight like hell, win (if we are lucky enough) and move on. i will admit that it is hard to move on when the scars still hurt and the doctor's visits, lab tests, infusion appointments, and emails from Kaiser sit in my mailbox each day- but i am doing my best.

i am worried about returning to work in one month. i haven't been there since the end of April basically. my family tells me not to go back if i am not ready. some friends agree- but how in the world will i know if i don't just go for it. and what if i become that person that never goes back. i have to go back. with that however, i have been very honest with my boss- who is also a great friend of mine. i will only have to teach 4 hours a day and will have 2 hours off. but even with that- i am anxious to return.

i am not good with attention. i dread that first day when we are all sitting in the library and everyone turns and sees me there again. it will be nearly impossible for me. i remember going to a crop just after my surgery with bucket. only a few very very very sweet ladies were there- some of my favorites as a matter of fact, and even with that, i nearly brokedown and cried. i had a small moment of panic and wanted to leave and just go home. i fought threw it. but i know that i will have the exact same experience when i return to work- especially since they don't even know about my cancer. i will tell them at somepoint- but i just don't know when and i just don't know how. so, please, pray for me with this also. hope that i can have the strength to endure what lies before me- whatever this may be.

the song that is playing right now on my blog might be a bit much for some people and i do not mean to offend anyone. it is just such an important song in my life that i felt the need to share it with you, my friends. as i drove to the hospital on May 12th to face this ugly cancer for a full blown battle, it was blasting in the car (and i am not one for loud noises), on reapeat, while i just cried my eyes out. cried like a child wanting her mother. cried like i have never cried before. when i awoke, in pain, sliced open with only one kidney, with the worst migraine of my life- it was playing. and i cried. cried like a fighter. cried like a survivor. cried like i have never cried before. and this past week, at the concert, i stood while it played again, and i cried. cried like i was the luckiest person in the world. cried like i have been chosen. cried like a believer. cried like i have never cried before. so go ahead Jesus- bring the rain. go right ahead. i will laugh and sing and dance in it!

if you are still reading, i am amazed! i very rarely do this. but i guess i was just in the mood. thanks for taking the time to read it all. and thank you in advance for your understanding.