grandma minnie

my grandma minnie died today.

she was my light. you see, as a child, i grew up around very rigid, sad, and unhealthy women. but there was one. oh- this one- who was so unlike all the others.

my grandma minnie. and i guess that is why this is so hard. despite that fact that she was nearly 99 years old, seriously. in august, she would have been 99. and a life so well lived.

my sweet italian nona.

so funny and forthright. so loving and kind. such a giving smile. and honest to the core. but with a heart of gold. and grandma's gravy- gosh, how'd we'd fight over grandma's gravy. and there is no recipe. only grandma can create that masterpiece. and she knew it. and it made her proud.

the weekend before my surgery she had a little trip to the hospital and i knew she would be going soon. my whole family went to visit- but i didn't go. my sister took emily with her. i didn't want the last memory i had of my grandma to be her in a hospital bed. i just didn't want to see her that way. it was the saturday before my surgery too. and i was a wreck that weekend anyway. crying at the drop of a hat. stressed about school. worried about work. couldn't have kept it together if i tried.

so i passed on the visit- knowing damn well that it was my last chance to see her alive.

and i don't regret it. but damn i miss her already.

in 1994, my great grandma tillotson died. she was 94 years old. it was the first family death i had every experienced. the day i got back to ohio state from her funeral, some friends, one in particular, miriam, was killed in a car accident. i was supposed to be with her that night. as a matter of fact, i was supposed to be driving the car that was crushed. but i told miriam to leave without me because i was too tired from the funeral.

and now, years later- i get cancer, and my other great grandma dies. why do i tell you this? i tell you this because i think they both died to save me. you can think that i am crazy. many of you already probably already do. but both of these women had fire in their blood up til the day they died. hardly even a cough. one dies the night i am supposed to go out with a group of friends who end up in heaven and the other dies just after i find out i have cancer.

they are my angels.

my grandma minnie is the core of my family. she always had faith that my father and i would restore our relationship. she could never talk about our fallout without tears. it broke her heart what happened to the two of us. a part of me is praying now that she understands where my heart lies in this aspect of my life. i hope that she can find peace now, the way i have with this.

i also hope she can understand why i didn't go and see her that day and why i don't regret my decision today. her smile, her laughter. forever frozen in my mind. the smell of her, not "a place". this is why i did not go.

i miss you so much already grandma. please save me a place in heaven. i cannot wait to see you again.

i love you.