silent all these years.....

there was a time in my life where i had to stop what i was doing and get help- or die. things had happened to me that i never truly processed or dealt with or admitted to another human being and slowly- but surely- it was killing me. literally- i was dying. not suicidal by any means, but making life choices that could've killed me. drugs, sex, negative people, you get the idea. anything to help escape the reality of it all. during that time, i wrote a lot about a girl i once knew. and during that time, i wrote a lot about the girl i had become. since that time, i lost all those writings, or so i thought.....as i cleaned out a drawer today, there they were---all these loose leaf papers, tucked away quietly for no one else to see. it was many years ago. but somehow, reading them now takes me right back to that time. a pain hidden that will never really go away. no matter what. because its just that deep into my soul. a part of me that i can never get clean. a struggle. a fact of my life that i can never fully recover from, no matter how much i want to. therapists have told me if i talk and let it out and blah blah blah, i will heal. what they might not understand is that just because the cut is no longer bleeding doesn't mean the scar doesn't burn like hell.

i wrote this when i realized i could stop killing myself and i could choose to live.

discovery-

she was a fragile thing
such a sight to see
she stood as if the wind could blow
her away

only, she's stronger than i'll ever be

the wind, indeed, tried to knock her down
it only burned her face
and she wore it relentlessly

only, she's more beautiful than i'll ever be

goodness!
everybody had ideas of her
who she was, what she liked
she was well beyond ideas

only, she's more like me than you'll ever be

she was a fragile thing
such a delicate sight to see
she stood as if the wind could blow
her away

only, shes learned a few things

such an honest sight to see....