these are the days

Araxi Photography

2009-07-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

okay- seriously.... my friend ARAXI is an amazing photographer! she took maternity pics of me, a task i would not let anyone else in my life attempt... and she emailed me the gallery today! incredible! if you ever need a photographer and you don't use her- you are nuts!

i will share pics later......

in case you missed it on july 4th.....

2009-07-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

At week 37, your pregnancy is considered full term, meaning baby is likely to thrive after birth. Baby spends these last weeks in preparation for the outside world… meaning careful refinement of the blink, suck, inhale and exhale. Meconium, which you’ll probably find in the first diaper, is accumulating in the intestines. If (okay, as) you worry about giving birth, consider what it’s like for the little one. During the journey out of your womb, baby will produce more stress hormones than any other time in life.

yes, i seriously have a watermelon in my body! lord help me!

nature's way or insanity?

2009-07-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

i woke up at 2:30am and never could fall back asleep. is this natures way of getting me ready for baby or am i just insane? u be the judge....

layouts from may

2009-07-06T14:53:00.001-07:00

favorite photos from my phone....

2009-07-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

the day i started blogging

2009-06-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

this is what i wrote:

my intro

so i am giving this blog thing a try. i have a lot to say most of the time so why not just get it out here! i have somewhat of a crazy life. as much as i try to minimize my past, i have been through some experiences that have made me a bit more sarcastic, blunt, and just plain realistic (although i am an idealist at heart). overall, i try to have a positive outlook on life. i am a lot to handle. you either love me or you hate me. i do not believe in much grey area- i am a black or white kind of girl. because i am a realist based on life experiences and an idealists at heart, please disregard the million contradictions i will make in regards to any possible subjects introduced in this blog.

here are the "daily's" in my life:

i am a strong and independent female but i am not a feminist.

i am a wife.

i am a mother. some people like to say that i am not. i like to tell them to fuck off!

i am an optimist.

i am the center of my family. the glue.

i am a teacher.

i am a student.

i am a weight watcher.

i am a scrapbooker.

i am a libra.

i am a catholic.

i am a shitty friend.

i am the luckiest person in the world to have such great friends who put up with me being such a shitty one!

i am a survivor.

i am in constant search of a better me but amazingly proud of the person that i am.

i am what i am.

for now......

at 7/12/2005

amazing how much, and how little, has actually changed.......

do u like me....

2009-06-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

i mean, do you really really like me?

the blog update/layout anyways......

p.s.

2009-06-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

in just 8 short weeks i will see the most precious little face ever..... i can hardly wait!

if you have the time

2009-06-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

pray for my family. we are going through many changes and preparing for the baby, as wonderful as it is, has become quite stressful. i know we will be fine but prayers never hurt anyone, right?

thx!

Showered....

2009-06-16T20:23:00.001-07:00

Bucket hosted a wonderful baby shower at her house for me this past weekend. It was really nice! She is so good for me because she makes me snap out of my anto-social self! Had a wonderful time with wonderful people, food, and games! So happy for the people who still put up with me even when i drop off the face of the earth!

Then today, my partner teacher Nerina, planned a surprise baby shower with my students. They kept it a secret for weeks. Each student wrote me a poem and a letter. The presented them and gave me gifts. Such a wonderful day. I cannot believe how wonderful my students are. They have very little, yet they still give to me. I have the best job in the world.

My mom and other family members bought me my stroller and my carseat and I LOVE IT!
THANKS BUCKET! I LOVE YOU TO PIECES~ SORRY I AM SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT!

blue or pink?

2009-06-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

what do you think?

i went to register at babies r us the other day and my sister laughed at me because if this baby is a girl i don't want pink everywhere! i told her that i don't want the babies room to look like a bottle of pepto bismol exploded everywhere! she just had a little girl and is falling in love with pink (especially after 2 boys) but i just can't seem to get into it.

here is the thing- if you asked me what i felt like i was having, i would say girl! ugh! please no pink!

so back to babies r us- since i don't want to know the sex registering was funny. i determined that i like purples (which we all knew already, blues, browns, and greens) so regardless of the sex, i registered for what i liked. i have like one or two pink items just in case, but for the most part, i stayed away from pink.

i fell in love with this one bedding from pottery barn kids but my sister says it will only work for a girl but i think if i put lots of brown with it and some turtles i can pull it off:

she said i am a freak!

New Layouts

2009-03-30T22:32:00.001-07:00

Here are all the layouts I have done this year. Pretty sad, huh?

This one is of Mikey and Donald Duck. He was obsessed with this new little stuffed animal.

and then abbie- sweet abbie, she just can't get a picture taken without her brother "butting" in:

a rare one here- me and junior. i love when the patterned paper does all the work!

a simple little layout of my girl and her basketball season:

and little crazy danny! just a little layout about how he has such a big body but is still just a little boy:

out of my box- a card, pop-ups and all:

and emily's sweet note and penmanship (love the little girl writing):

thank you my angel friend....

2009-03-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

i am embarrassed to tell you how overdue this thank you is.

one day, when i needed it most, i got this precious little package in the mail....

and it had all these little goodies in it.....

so thank you my angel friend! you have no idea how much this brightened up my week...and still when i think back on the kindness you gave to me, it makes me smile.

Oops!

2009-03-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

kinda forgot about the blogging world and have been told by my BFF that i better get this thing updated.

the past month and a half has been a disaster to tell you the truth. things with the husband have been nearly unbearable. i never talk about it but my husband has an issue with addiction. this past week has broken the camel's back! pray for us.

other than that- things have been going pretty good. the baby is doing great and my belly is getting bigger and bigger. i am at 5 months now- in my 20th week. i had my ultrasound this past week and the gender could not be determined. i have had the feeling that i am having a girl though and it terrifies me a bit.

the kids are great. junior has been kinda moody but for the most part he is a good kid. he really stepped out of line this week with a comment that he made but immediately apologized for it with tears in his eyes.

emily is my pot of gold. that girl is perfection in human form. love her to death.

lindalee, my BFF from college, is coming to visit in 2 weeks to see the big ol' belly and i can hardly stand it. with all the drama at home, i am so happy to have something to look forward to. she is considering moving closer, and i am praying that something opens up so that she will be able to do so. having her near would be life-changing for me.

bucket is about to give up on me but thank the good Lord above - she hasn't yet! i love you to pieces bucket. please hang in there with me forever! i need you around to help me take my mind off of things.

some upcoming posts to expect this week:
1. a LONG LONG LONG overdue thank you to my Angel Friend
2. ultrasound pictures and maybe (just for lele) a belly shot
3. recent layouts- don't worry- there is only 3
4. post of pics
5. baby stuff wish list...

have a good rest of the week. i promise, i am back.

i promise, it's worth it.

2009-02-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

so, i have had a really crappy week. and when i say crappy- i mean CRAPPY!

so, if you are in need of a good laugh- i mean a really good, tear jerking, laugh out loud, laugh- just take the 7 minutes and watch this.

i promise - it's worth it.

Names

2009-01-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

for a girl- Audrey Michelle

for a boy- Gabriel Michael/Miguel

Girl's name is final. Boys name is still up for debate but pretty set.

Middle names are same as my brother and sister. First names are just my favorites.

Normalcy

2009-01-27T08:31:00.000-08:00

this weekend was probably one of the worst weekends i have had in awhile. issues with the husband were totally out of control and i just wanted to run away. but of course, a three day migraine hit and i was immediately deemed useless. i was in so much pain, on so many different levels that i just wanted to shrink into oblivion.

i try to be a relatively optimistic person - but this weekend, i lost the fight. it was not good. it is now tuesday and i am back at work, picking myself off, dusting off the dirt, and getting back to - what's that word they like to use after a crisis- oh yea- "normalcy"

so, wish me luck. here goes nothing......

It's a good day here in America

2009-01-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

my very honest daughter

2009-01-18T08:38:00.001-08:00

she is such an honest, and brave little girl. last night, after showering, she began to talk to me. as she spoke, she opened up about her concerns with this little baby coming along. she was such an open book. just spilling out her concerns and her excitement.

she said that she is so happy. but on the inside, sometimes, she is pretty nervous that everyone will forget about her and she will somehow become less important. she began to communicate to me how it is at her other house with her mom and stepdad and how the little ones get all the attention and sometimes she just gets angry.

it broke my heart to listen to this little princess talk about how she is nervous about somehow being loved a bit less. so we made a deal that in the beginning, the baby will need a bit more, and at times, mommy will be tired. but soon after, we will have special days. where she is the center of attention. and her big brother too.

i am so blessed to have a relationship with her where she knows that she can come to me with anything. and though i know the only thing that is really going to comfort her is to see it actually happen after the baby is here, she does know that my word is golden.

so, bucket, you will have to babysit so i can go on special dates with my other babies! cuz lord knows i don't leave them with the in-laws!

what are some things you did when you were pregnant with your second, or third, or.... so that your babies knew they were still loved?

11 weeks

2009-01-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

this week i am at 11 weeks. i feel good so far. i have been puking at least once a day but everyone tells me that is a good thing because the hormones are working! woo hoo for puke, i guess.

i have told about 10 people at work who i really really trust and hopefully they don't burn me. i am hoping i can wait to tell everyone else a bit later. if someone asks, i don't really want to lie to them so that will be a touchy moment.....

overall, i am feeling great. a bit tired and puking but i'll take it!

i am going crazy

2009-01-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

this week a new student joined my classes and he is probably the angriest little thing i have ever seen. i have tried to call home twice with no response (mind you he has only been in my class for 2 days). if he was with my students from last year he would have fit right in because i had some angry little devils last year. but this year all my kids are so sweet and sincere so they just look at him like "what the hell is wrong with you!?" the chip on his shoulder is ginormous! poor little thing- his life will be so hard!

shhhh.... its a blog world secret!

2008-12-25T13:19:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy Tickers

BE EXCITED!!!! BUT PLEASE DO NOT POST/COMMENT ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!! NOT TELLING WORK YET!

it has been a very long road for me and my husband to get to this point. after having cancer, i decided that enough is enough and i went to an infertility clinic to help us get pregnant.

the first step is a class with a nurse where we watch a video on infertility and the processes people can take to overcome it. then, at that appointment, blood work and semen analysis was ordered for me and my husband to show that we were healthy and ready to go.

one month later, we went in again and discussed what would happen next. my husbands semen analysis showed that he was just fine, which we already knew because he has two children already. so, the next step was for me to undergo Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which was the most painful experience of my life. A thin tube is inserted into the vagina with a balloon attached. Once in the uterus, they blow up the balloon- this is where i nearly died- seriously, i nearly passed out- and insert a dye to make sure that the uterus and fallopian tubes are normal.

In my case, the doctor who performed this was horrible enough that I actually wrote a letter. I walked out of there feeling like I had been raped. It was not fun. Since then, people that I have talked to have agreed with me that this is the most painful test we as women have ever had to endure.

At our next appointment, we got the results. The HSG showed that I had blockage to one fallopian tube. This was okay though because all I needed was one to be open in order to conceive. It was at this point that an internal ultrasound to examine my ovaries. At that point, I only had one egg so I was placed on Clomid which is a medication used in infertility treatments to increase the number of eggs produced so that conception is more likely.

On the third day of my period I began to take the Clomid pills. Two a day for five days. Once the cycle was done, I went in for another internal ultrasound and I had produced two additional eggs. That appointment was on a Friday.

Finally, it was time to take an ovulation kit for the week. I had to take one test everyday for seven days. If on the seventh day, the kit never turned positive, I had to call and go in again. If it did turn positive, that day I had to call in and schedule insemination for the following morning.

THis week seemed never ending!!!! Finally, on the seventh day, it turned positive. This was November 19th and intrauterine insemination occurred on November 20th.

I was instructed to wait two weeks. If my period came, we would try again. If it did not, we would take a pregnancy test. Now, here's the tricky part- my period did come. For one day. So I was instructed to take the PT on Dec. 4th. I couldn't stand it. So I waited until I got home from work and finally decided to pee on that little stick.

I peed on the stick and it told me what I have now shared with you. I didn't believe it. So a few hours later, I peed on another stick. And the results were the same.

During last week, I bled but the doctor and nurses said not to worry. I bled for about 4 days total and had to record times and color and such. After my early ultrasound, however, I feel totally at ease. And after a week of pure anxiety, it is a good feeling.

I had my early ultrasound on Dec. 22nd and told my mom and sister that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve. I told my In-Laws Christmas morning. So now, I can share the news with you.

I will wait to tell work for a few more weeks. Just because I need to make sure everything works out during the rest of this first trimester.

I know it seems like only a few months and BAM- I'M PREGGERS! but it has actually been years of heartache and disappointment. So now, now that it is finally happening to me, I couldn't be happier!

i love verizon!

2008-12-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

no, seriously.... i love them!

i went in today to get my husband a new phone for the holidays and told them that my son wasn't eligible for one until march but really really really wanted one for this christmas and what do you know?

they gave it to me at the discounted price!

yes, i love verizon!

remember.....

2008-12-05T18:18:00.001-08:00

when you fall in love, it is a temporary madness.

it erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides.

and when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part- because this is what love is.

love is not breathlessness.

it is not excitement.

its not the desire to mate every second of the day.

its not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body.

no.

don't blush.

i'm telling you some truths.

that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

love itself is what is leftover when being in love has burned away.

doesn't sound very exciting does it?

but it is....

_________________________________________

i found these words scribbled on a piece of paper- so true, huh?

for the record....

2008-12-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

the change is here.

and i couldn't be happier.

new header

2008-12-02T22:13:00.000-08:00

i bet you wouldn't have guessed it (unless you were bucket)- but that damn thing took me forever!

99 things.... (or less)

2008-12-02T19:20:00.001-08:00

i got this off of my foxy friend lisa's blog - thought it would be fun to play around! the bolded items are what i have accomplished so far in my lifetime. there are a few things that i would love to add to the list, maybe a future post.....

51 out of 55 (and if i stretch it- 53) not too shabby for 32!
1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child (pretty much but not really)
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables-
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagra Falls
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (does it count if we made it in high school!?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy -

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square (on new years eve as a matter of fact! NEVER AGAIN!)
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle -

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (does a photobook from snapfish count!? Hahaha)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible ( I have something for you to do it too if interested- it’ll take one year)
86. Visited the White House (the outside of it at least)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous -

92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (one day soon I hope!)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

i have a confession to make....

2008-12-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

even though love don't live here anymore..... i can't wait!

i'm so sick of not doing for me- and good, bad, or indifferent-

change is about to come. and i can't wait!

something to look forward to is always a good thing.

so remember, when that time comes:

just realize- this time, i did it for me.

believe it or not....

2008-11-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

i scrapped tonight:

Happy Birthday to my little brother!

Vegas with Daddy!

and my nephew (whom i ADORE!!!!)

Mikey Jacked My Book....

2008-11-15T10:52:00.001-08:00

sorry about the need to tilt your head all crooked and sideways but i am not reloading these.....

since i made this book and my brother took it from me and says that it is his, i had to go and make a layout for me.

his:

Hers:

Let's Go to the Movies.....

2008-11-15T08:35:00.001-08:00

my daughter was dying to see this movie so we went... a big deal for us- we aren't really movie people. it was really cute. some things were inappropriate but i am not sure my kids even caught it. i am sure my 13 year old son did but my 9 year old seemed pretty oblivious. overall though, a cute show.

California Burning!

2008-11-15T08:22:00.001-08:00

This is what is happening about 5 miles from my home. To be generous I will say 8 miles.

So many things about this suck! First off, my friend Staci has been evacuated at 4 am this morning. Houses are burning down left and right. People are devastated. I am worried about Ginger too. I hope she is okay.

All soccer games have been cancelled. All freeways, and I mean ALL FREEWAYS are closed. Which sucks because I had a date with Mikey, Kung Fu Panda, and Ice Cream later today! So I just might drive through the fire for that!!!!!

This damn wind will not stop and the fire won't stop until the wind does.

Serious Updating Going to Happen!

2008-11-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

This is your warning. I will be updating. I just loaded over 350 pictures into my computer and the updating will begin. thank you for your patience!

Oh Happy Day!

2008-11-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

Oh Thank Goodness!

I can stay in America!!!!!!!

Obama triumphs, will be first black US president

By DAVID ESPO – 22 minutes ago

WASHINGTON (AP) — Barack Obama was elected the nation's first black president Tuesday night in a historic triumph that overcame racial barriers as old as America itself.

The 47-year-old Democratic senator from Illinois sealed his victory by defeating Republican Sen. John McCain in a string of wins in hard-fought battleground states — Ohio, Florida, Virginia and Iowa.

A huge crowd thronged Grant Park in Chicago to cheer Obama's improbable triumph and await his first public speech as president-elect.

Obama and his running mate, Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware, will take their oaths of office as president and vice president on Jan. 20, 2009.

As the 44th president, Obama will move into the Oval Office as leader of a country that is almost certainly in recession, and fighting two long wars, one in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan.

The popular vote was close, but not the count in the Electoral College, where it counted.

There, Obama's audacious decision to contest McCain in states that hadn't gone Democratic in years paid rich dividends.

Fellow Democrats rode his coattails to gains in both houses of Congress, toppling Republican incumbents and winning open seats alike.

Obama has said his first order of presidential business will be to tackle the economy. He has also pledged to withdraw most U.S. combat troops from Iraq within 16 months.

taken from
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gYbBmMmElgU_AjfYlbWgYFe66cqAD948HQA80

election day is right around the corner.....

2008-11-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

and there are some very interesting propositions here in california. but even without all of that excitement, lets not forget about the race for presidency. lets just say, if the candidate i am voting for does not win this election, i just might be moving to live with my NZ crew, that is of course, if they'll still have me!

please, whatever you do on tuesday, please make sure to vote. make things right.....

inspiration

2008-10-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

My creation, originally uploaded by OneSassySicilian.

i was severely lacking faith in people yesterday and today. did a happy search and came up with this...... faith is somewhat restored.

oh- and how can i forget-

2008-10-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

my sissy is pregnant! i am gonna be an auntie again! so exciting. hopefully she will have a girl. she has two boys already and i only have one niece! either way, it is the best news EVER!!!!!

Goals for this weekend...

2008-10-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged in awhile but i just have not been feeling well these past few weeks.

i have a very important doctors appt today that i am very nervous for.

this weekend i have made a few goals for myself.
1. scrapbook- especially my rodeo book
2. begin my new book- the road
3. sleep in at least one day
4. write an iep

thanks for checking in even though i checked out. i will do better!

Cowgirl Up!

2008-09-25T21:20:00.001-07:00

my brother finally took me to the rodeo and it was better than i ever imagined! thanks mikey! loved every single minute of it, mostly because i was with you!

what i've been up to the last few weeks....

2008-09-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

believing in those around me....

please watch and share with every teacher you know!

tagged by ginger

2008-09-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ginger tagged me on her blog and so now i have to share 6 random things about myself. so, here goes nothing....

1. i cannot stand to live so far away from lindalee. if i think about it too much, my heart actually starts to hurt.

2. i find myself wondering what other career i would enjoy besides teaching.

3. i go and get laser hair removal once a month and my secret desire is to be completely bald all over (except for my head and eyebrows). too bad i don't have that much money!!!!

4. i have worn my "hope" and "what cancer cannot do" bracelets ever since i have received them. they help me get through the day and remember to be grateful and humble.

5. i can't have too many friends. i let them down. the ones i do have accept me- faults and all, and i am pretty sure i would die without them.

6. my nails don't grow. they split and tear and bend. but they don't grow. thank goodness for acrylic.

so there you have it, play along if you'd like- just leave a comment so that i can go to your blog and see what a weirdo you really are!!!! hehehe!

coming up for air....

2008-09-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

well, i survived it.

the first week of work has passed and i have survived. i cried many many times this week when i began to walk to Poppy's classroom only to realize halfway there that she was gone. and also when i felt like i just wasn't ready to be there.

my students are very good this year. my biggest problem is going to be three boys who like to talk too much- so if that is all i have to deal with behavior-wise i'll take it! i have some kids who have psychological concerns but i think they feel safe with me so i am hopeful.

my coworkers have been great. they all ask how i am feeling and sometimes i wish they wouldn't but i understand where they are coming from and answer "good" with a smile. i don't add anything else but quickly change the subject.

this past year i stopped going up to the teacher's lunch room because i was so sick. Poppy and i would meet in the femail staff lounge where there are two couches. she would take one, i would take the other. how i wish those couches were gone this year. seeing them makes me want to just vomit! anyway- this week i went up every day. it was not fun- but i need to do it. i need to go up there and sit with my people so that i don't fade into oblivion and think of Poppy when there are still so many people that i adore at work- and need to cherish time with them while i still have it.

this week i also had a lot of personal issues going on with my son. he is thirteen and we have to have it out every once in awhile. this week was a lot of talking to his birth mom and trying to end up on the same page. such a stressful bag of bullshit sometimes. but the tension is settling and hopefully all will remain stable for the next few months.

how i wish i could pretend though. you know those people that are always smiling and happy and blissful! well, we all know that they have down days- but we may never see it. i don't think i can be that person. my emotions are too strong to hide sometimes.

right now- i am feeling grateful that this first week has gone well.

right now- i am hopeful that my doctor's appointment brings me only good news this week.

right now- i am realizing that work probably won't ever feel the same without her.

right now- i am learning how to cope.

right now- i am coming up for air.

because for such a long time, i have felt like i could not breathe. and finally, right now, i can come up for air......

nights like this...

2008-08-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

i hate nights like this.

i tried to go to bed hours ago- literally, i have been laying in bed tossing and turning for over two hours now. and i just cannot fall asleep. my brain just goes round and round and round.

and i think about shit that i can't change or do anything about. i make up lists in my head. random, typically pointless lists. i talk to myself about things that i cannot figure out. and bills- good god, when that topic sneaks in there- i am doomed.

tonight my thoughts are filled with Poppy and going back to work. taking her husband to clean out her room on thursday. lists for the soccer team i am coaching. phone calls and emails i have to make to various doctors offices. possible skin cancer. kidney cancer. dental bills for the kids. account balances. checks that have not posted yet. babies. what i have to cook that is in my fridge before it goes bad. then back to Poppy. and prayer. frustration. self talk begging myself to stop this ridiculous cycle and just go to sleep. sex. no sex. going back to work. not going back to work. instructional planning- or lack there of. school in the spring. first aid classes. Poppy. getting together with friends thursday night. fundraiser for Poppy tomorrow night. soccer practice. hurricane harbor with all the kids tomorrow. grocery lists. call grandpa- you missed his bday loser. bobby's visit. my brother. my sister. account balances. Poppy. Poppy. Poppy. going back to work. frustration.

and after all this- my bed still looks the same:

its a terrible cycle. its a terrible thing. no sleep. making myself crazy! not being able to hit the off switch. and worst of all, sleeping next to someone who has ABSOLUTELY no problem sleeping- EVER!!!!!!

dear God, make me a robot. now. please. give me peace of mind to close my eyes and just give it all to you. give me the ability to just let it all go. Please. bless my mind and bring me peace. thanks.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Scrap Share: August

2008-08-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

the one above is Bucket's LO and the one below is my scraplift! you inspire me so much mamacita!

I'm Strawberry Shortcake

2008-08-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

What are you? Tell me in the comment section!

If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)! Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning.

Here are your choices:

ANGEL FOOD CAKE

BROWNIES

LEMON MERINGUE PIE

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOLOLATE ICING

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING

ICE CREAM

CARROT CAKE

Now, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN---No Cheating!!

ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzyitems. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk andchew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyne enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.

6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball,
football,basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- Y ou are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.

things like this make it all a bit more manageable.

2008-08-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

my best friend lives in south carolina and i don't get to see her as much as i would like to but the other day she posted a little pick me up on her blog just for me. hey- that's what friends are for, right?

So i spoke-

2008-08-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

i actually did it.

i said goodbye to poppy this week. it was awful.

i used one of my favorite quotes, got up in front of everyone, with her casket by my side, her husband and children right in front of me, her mother and brother and father to the right of him, and this is what i said.....

Whenever I needed Poppy, she was there for me. Whether it was something trivial or tragic, she always made time for me. When we were struggling- on any level, all we had to do was glance at one another- no words were needed. Poppy will always be one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.

There is a quote by Audrey Hepburn that has always reminded me of the type of woman Poppy was, from sunrise, to sunset, and it goes like this.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness,
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people,
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry,
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.
Never throw anyone out.

In my opinion, the best way to show that you love Poppy- and the best way to remember her with grace and honor… is to live like this- To live the way that she showed us.

I will love you for always my dear, sweet friend.

i could hardly get through it. i had to stop and breathe every few words. i was shaking like a leaf in the wind. it made it all too real.

this really is real......

Take a Glimpse at her Life....

2008-08-12T13:39:00.001-07:00

continued prayers please.

2008-08-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

my brilliant, sweet, earth angel friend Poppy died today.

my heart is broken.

please pray for Art, Diego, Isabella, and Joaquin and all rest of her family and friends.

thank you

i went to work...

2008-08-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

i received a phone call message from my boss on monday that informed all of us that we had a meeting on tuesday and if we could make it she would really appreciate it.

at first, i wasn't gonna go. some of my very good friends were not going and i wasn't sure that i could get through it without them. but then i started thinking..... if i go on tuesday, only half of the staff will be there. maybe i should go so that i don't get totally overwhelmed on the first day of school.

before leaving my house, i puked in the yard. i cried. i called lindalee and freaked out!!!

while driving to work, i turned around twice. i cried. i got a call from my good friend sheri who was supposed to save me a seat because i was planning on walking in about 5 minutes late so that everyone would NOT have the chance to ask me 101 questions saying that she was gonna be late! i freaked out. i thought i was making a mistake.

so, i get there. i walk in late. i cannot concentrate on a single thing being said. sheri gets there and sits next to me. still freaking out. then, about 10 minutes later the guest speaker says we have to go outside.

major freak out moment.

so i just wait and walk to my boss. i tell her the only reason that i am there is because of her. we were the last two to walk out and i got to the event outside about 30 seconds late. then i realize that we have to do a "silent hello"

oh thank goodness. NO ONE CAN TALK TO ME!!!!

we say our silent hello and then we are broken up into groups. thankfully i am with three of my favorite people (how that worked out- i swear to you that God intervened).

i was with them all day.

during the break i had 11 missed calls- seems my kids aren't ready for me to go back to work either! so i just talked on the phone.

during lunch i sat with my people. they asked a few questions and it was okay because they don't "push".

i found out that my very very very good friend is in a medical induced coma at Cedars. NOT GOOD! no one wanted to call and tell me because of my own health crisis but i was a bit pissed. when she was in the hospital before, i was the contact person. now they think i can't handle it! pissed. anyway- she has Stills Disease and it attacks her lungs. REALLY NOT GOOD.

PLEASE PRAY FOR POPPY!!!!! she is in real bad shape. she has a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old and a 7 year old boy. plus she is married to THE LOVE OF HER LIFE!!! i mean, you know how you see those couples and you know that they are the real thing. well, that is them.

it was as bad as i thought it would be.

but i survived.

and now, come september, i only have to face the other half.

somewhat relieved...

remember, please, please, please... pray for poppy.

Scrap Share for the end of July

2008-08-01T09:40:00.001-07:00

Health Update

2008-07-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

i have been to the doctor's since i got back. i was also on the phone with them during my break from reality. here is what i have learned:

1. i am the YOUNGEST person that my surgeon has ever had to tell that they, do in fact, have kidney cancer.
***now- while this may not impress you, it was a great shock to me. i mean, i knew that he was having trouble with my age (31 by the way), i had no idea that i was the youngest person he had ever diagnosed with kidney cancer. he just told me last week. the next youngest wasn't even close! not even in his 30's for that matter! it's just strange to know this kind of information. i think i could have gone without knowing....

2. Topamax is bad if you have one kidney.
***now- while i learned this on my own, it was recently confirmed by my doctors and i am no longer on the medicine. this makes me nervous because Topamax is amazing for preventing migraines! so, it is back to the drawing board. i think that i am just going to stick with biofeedback and natural "cures" for the moment. this is with guidance from my neurologist- who is very aware of me, my beliefs, and my desires. it's just what will be best for me at the moment.

3. Infusion centers.
**now- Have you even heard of such a place? well, i haven't. until now. i will be visiting an infusion center once a month for two to three hours. this is the plan. pray for me now. i am not good in hospitals and they are not good with my viens. i will have to be hooked up to machines and IVs for a few hours in the hope that it all matters. i will be infused with things that should already be produced in my body but they have found that i am "lacking 25% from the average adult female." while this is not such a shocker (some doctor somewhere has already ran all the tests to find out this stuff- not as much blood in the brain, not as much oxygen in the brain, not as much magnesium in the brain, not as much sense in the brain!!!!!) the idea of INFUSION sure is!

4. Urine analysis
***yes- i am still pissing in a big orange container once a month! today is the day! sorry- was that TMI?

5. Therapy
***you'd think, right? funny thing is- i am doing okay. went to one therapist when i was first diagnosed, got a lot of good information, but found that i am too self-aware for all of that mumbojumbo at the moment. this is not to knock therapy- i spent many years in the shrinks chair and am much better for it, just don't need it right now.

6. Secrets
***there are some medical issues that i am dealing with that i choose not to share with people. well, very recently i shared it with one person and i am so glad that i have. it is nothing life-threatening or anything, just something i have dealt with for many, many years now. i am now, at this time, going through it all again. pray for me. hope that whatever is meant to happen, will. and either way- i will handle it with grace. and please, if you are my family or my friend- respect my choice not to share this information and just do what i have asked of you now.

7. cancer stuff
***now- my scars are super bright pink. i hate them. my husband loves them. i don't get it. they are ugly and bright on my pale white stomach. they remind me of the lack of control that i really have in this life and that frustrates me. don't get me wrong, i'd rather have scars on my stomach then a headstone with my name on it, but these damn things just make me angry sometimes.

since my radical nephrectomy (Surgery to remove an entire kidney, nearby adrenal gland and lymph nodes, and other surrounding tissue.) i think i have handled the whole cancer thing the way most people do. we are sad, angry, shocked, and scared. but in the end, we accept it, choose to be better for it, we fight like hell, win (if we are lucky enough) and move on. i will admit that it is hard to move on when the scars still hurt and the doctor's visits, lab tests, infusion appointments, and emails from Kaiser sit in my mailbox each day- but i am doing my best.

i am worried about returning to work in one month. i haven't been there since the end of April basically. my family tells me not to go back if i am not ready. some friends agree- but how in the world will i know if i don't just go for it. and what if i become that person that never goes back. i have to go back. with that however, i have been very honest with my boss- who is also a great friend of mine. i will only have to teach 4 hours a day and will have 2 hours off. but even with that- i am anxious to return.

i am not good with attention. i dread that first day when we are all sitting in the library and everyone turns and sees me there again. it will be nearly impossible for me. i remember going to a crop just after my surgery with bucket. only a few very very very sweet ladies were there- some of my favorites as a matter of fact, and even with that, i nearly brokedown and cried. i had a small moment of panic and wanted to leave and just go home. i fought threw it. but i know that i will have the exact same experience when i return to work- especially since they don't even know about my cancer. i will tell them at somepoint- but i just don't know when and i just don't know how. so, please, pray for me with this also. hope that i can have the strength to endure what lies before me- whatever this may be.

the song that is playing right now on my blog might be a bit much for some people and i do not mean to offend anyone. it is just such an important song in my life that i felt the need to share it with you, my friends. as i drove to the hospital on May 12th to face this ugly cancer for a full blown battle, it was blasting in the car (and i am not one for loud noises), on reapeat, while i just cried my eyes out. cried like a child wanting her mother. cried like i have never cried before. when i awoke, in pain, sliced open with only one kidney, with the worst migraine of my life- it was playing. and i cried. cried like a fighter. cried like a survivor. cried like i have never cried before. and this past week, at the concert, i stood while it played again, and i cried. cried like i was the luckiest person in the world. cried like i have been chosen. cried like a believer. cried like i have never cried before. so go ahead Jesus- bring the rain. go right ahead. i will laugh and sing and dance in it!

if you are still reading, i am amazed! i very rarely do this. but i guess i was just in the mood. thanks for taking the time to read it all. and thank you in advance for your understanding.

How cool is this!?

2008-07-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

Got this from Megan's blog and just think that it is the coolest little invention!

(give it a click to make it bigger)

If you make one, paste a comment here so I can go check it out on your blog too!

I was tagged!

2008-07-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that I was tagged by not ONE- but TWO friends?!!!! Thanks to Ginger and Bucket I have received this fabulous award! And now is the time to pass it on!

Here are the rules for receiving this award:
1) Put the logo on your blog
2) Add a link to the person who awarded you
3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4) Add links to those blogs on yours
5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs
So here are my nominations....because these ladies inspire me almost daily in one way or another!

1. Lindalee

She is my BFF! she loves and accepts me despite all my many faults!

2. Janine

Even though I have never "met" her, i am pretty positive that she is 100% Angel! Thanks for all of your sweet comments and kindness!

3. Amber

Amber is a fellow Foxy that I never had the opportunity to meet, but through her blog I have learned that we have a lot in common. We both love our families, love our careers, and have been affected by cancer. Now that she is pregnant, it is so fun to check out her blog for the latest and greatest news. She also seems to have a love of color just like me.

4. Megan

I love this little chickie even though she is birdie obsessed! Although she has been going through so much lately, she is still so upbeat and positive. She also has the most amazing little boys and mother! Plus, i just might get a chance to go visit NZ one day!

5. Juls

Even though I am sure that she has been tagged already, recently she has become someone who really matters to me. I hope for nothing but the best for her and her family! I cannot wait to see those little "booboos"

6. Wendy

Another fellow Foxy that I am so inspired by. I have loved Wendy's style and not just in the scrapping sense for years now). She is probably the TOTAL opposite of me, but I visit her blog often for inspiration, not only in scrappin' but in life in general!

7. You!

(if you have not been mentioned already!)

Because you must be fabulous and inspiring too! Just because you are you! Please leave me a comment so that I know that you have accepted your award!

I'm Back...

2008-07-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

i had a nice break from reality.

went to my mercyme concert.

spent some time in laguna beach and saw pageant of the masters.

spent some time with my sister and my brother with their families.

got home and even managed to do a layout. it is good to be home though. i missed my babies.

this makes me sad....

2008-07-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

are you a tigger? he positively was!

Gone for a Come to Jesus!

2008-07-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

i will be gone for the next 5 days or so. i am going to have alittle "Come to Jesus" with myself! don't have too much fun without me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S70gwFcSK9k (for my scrappin' people!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gm7XwtIJdM (same song- this one is for my marathon people)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmIZOd5AXmQ (For my cancer people)

My Brother is a Quitter!

2008-07-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

I AM SO PROUD OF MY BABY BROTHER! HE HAS DONE A LOT OF THINGS THAT AMAZE ME, BUT THIS ONE, BY FAR, HAS AMAZED ME THE MOST! HE QUIT SMOKING (AFTER NEARLY 18 YEARS!!!! I AM NOT SURE THAT IS THE EXACT NUMBER BUT I KNOW THAT HE STARTED REALLY REALLY REALLY YOUNG!)

JOURNALING READS:

Thank you for NOT smoking! I love you! My brother would gladly give me a kidney if I needed it! Now I can accept it! Thanks Brother! One good thing about me getting cancer is the wake-up call it gave to my brother. On May 12,2008 I gave up my kidney to cancer and on May 24,2008 Mikey gave up smoking!

I love him so much and I am sooooo proud of him. He is one of my greatest friends and my life would be HORRIFIC without him! I am so happy that he will be around so much longer now!

Fortnightly Challenge over at the Scrappin Patch

2008-07-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

the sketch!

my take on it!

I played along over at the Scrappin Patch for the first time and I am happy with the layout. What do you think?

Friday Night Challenge Completed!

2008-07-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

Loved this challenge over at the Sketchbook where we had to use up our old supplies- stuff that we have had for over a year. Well, 75% of the layout had to be that way anyway. Here is mine.

The Scrappin Patch is a scrapbook store in NZ and are sponsoring the Friday Night Challenges for the next three months! (I see Janine has also encouraged you all to support this business too )So thanks Scrappin Patch for sponsoring this challenge we await the challenges to come….. take a moment if you free today and have a look in their online store for some goodies…. i certainly will be. And here’s a link to their blog…..

Life's a Beach!

2008-07-19T22:37:00.001-07:00

we spent the day at Zuma Beach. It was a great day!

(this bird was gonna eat me!)

Look Bucket!!!! I did it!

2008-07-18T11:59:00.001-07:00

ughhhh! i cannot upload any pics for some reason. but really, i did it!

the other day i went over to bucket's house and she taught me how to put an overlay onto my photo and today i did it all by myself! no cheat sheet or anything!!! completely by memory! oh la la!

my daughter wants to be a model! she is so funny. literally, she wants me to take her places so that she can model. today, she asked me to take her pictures and i started to talk to her about how i really really really want my foxy friend Araxi to photogragh her because i have no idea what i am doing! she is all ready! she thought it could happen tomorrow. i told her that i would save up for it and set a date with Araxi so i better get my butt in gear. i just hope she is okay with modeling for mom for awhile. i have no plans of turning her over to the modeling agency- but lets just keep that between you and me! a girl can hope, right?

here a few shots from our fun today. she is such a ham!

Friday Night Challenge- Done!

2008-07-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

This has to be my favorite Friday Night challenge yet over at The Sketch Book becasue it made me giggle remember simple moments that only I had the pleasure of sharing with Aidan (okay okay, one I had to share with his mommy!). He really is such a funny little man. He has such a serious tone, but through his use of language, oh- this kid just has me rolling! See for yourself...

this story was told to me while we were swimming.

stone-faced 'til the end! then, finally, a little smile.

this story was told to me at my mom's kitchen table. i was asking him a bunch of questions about his first year of school and how he liked it now that it was over.this was on the 4th of July when he stepped into about 1,000,000 black ants! you might have had to be here for this one but it still makes me almost pee just thinking about it! plus, you just have to know him. this is the kid that doesn't even let you get away with saying something is "stupid"
so, there you go. you got a little fix of Aidan!

The Price of Cancer

2008-07-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Got my bill in the mail today:

inpatient services.................... $7,980.00
imaging services, ULT................$492.00
ER services.................................$1,117.00
laboratory, general.........................$70.00
laboratory, chemistry..................$276.00
laboratory, hematology.................$78.00
laboratory, urology........................$23.00
radiology, diagnostic-GEN..........$238.00
ct scan, whole body scan..........$1,034.00
recovery room, general............$1,740.00
copayment charge..........................$10.00
total..........................................$13,058.00
amount i owe..................................$10.00

why do i post this? i post this because it makes me crazy that i have to pay $10.00 because i am blessed enough to have insurance and other families have buried people that they love because they don't. i just don't understand it. $13,048.00 is "taken care of" for me somehow, why not for everyone else. i pray that one day, right here in good ol' USA, no one will ever die simply because they don't have insurance. cancer should only cost $10 for everyone. because the truth is, the price we pay when its not is sometimes our lives. i hope that i am cancer free. and my doctors love to remind me that we won't know that information for a few months to come and that i am not "cured"- but outside of their words, if i am not, i will make sure to have lots of extra ten dollar bills laying around!

if you know someone who is fighting cancer right now, don't ask them what they need. do something for them. make them a meal. send them a card. play them a funny video. anything to get their mind off of the possibility of the fact that there is a monster in their body, and the fact that they just might not have enough $10 bills to fight it!

my box....

2008-07-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

i have this box.

it is abox of letters from all the important people that have been in my life. some good. some bad.

i found something in it last night. you see. i could not sleep and was actually up until 5am and sometime between 1am and 4am, i found my box.

when i turned 21 my great grandma wrote me a card and in her handwriting, she wrote:

21 things to remember at 21- life tips, if you will
1. no one can ruin your day without your permission.
2. most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
3. others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.
5. success stops when you do.
6. when your ship comes in... make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. you will never have it all together.
8. life is a journey... not a destination. enjoy your trip!
9. the biggest lie on the planet- "when i get what i want, i will be happy."
10. the est way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. i've learned that ultimately, takers lose and givers win.
12. life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. if you don't start, it is certain you will not arrive.
14. we often fear what we most want.
15. he or she who laughs lasts.
16. yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. look at opportunities- not guarantees.
18. life is what is- not what was.
19. success is getting up one more time.
20. now is the most interesting time of all.
21. when things go wrong- don't go with them.

how i fell in love with her all over again reading her lovely handwriting last night. i know some of these ideas are recycled, but i loved that she thought of me, in her 88th year of life, and wrote me a note of what she thought was most important for me at 21. it made me wonder what she thought i should know now, at 31. especially after cancer. and some of the other things that i have been going through personally lately. so i channelled some of my mona last night. and i added 10 more for 31. with thoughts of her in mind- this is what i came up with:

22. God will give it to you, because you truly can handle it.
23. when you let someone down, be sure to pick them back up as gently as you know how to.
24. if someone asks you to dance, always say yes.
25. take lots of pictures.
26. everywhere you go, the grass is the same shade of green.
27. live out loud.
28. Always believe in the power of the human spirit.
29. Don't ever miss a chance to say "i love you."
30. avoid toxic people.
31. if people look at themselves long enough, they will find that they truly are strongest at the broken places.

with grandmas help, today is a much better day my friends.

Around the World Give Away

2008-07-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

Fiskars is giving away fun little prizes. Thanks Megan!

Just follow the link and post your name, country and my name! You never know, we just might win (even though we are one of like 700 right now!).

the world has caught up with me today

2008-07-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

i am tired.

today is one of those days where i could lay in bed forever. i got up this morning and made all my phone calls to this doctor and that doctor and back to the other doctor.

who would think phone calls could be so tiring.

then emily wanted to go for a walk. so we did. we walked for about an hour.

i already knew that i was tired from monday, tuesday, and wednesday of this week so i had asked my husband to take my son for the day. he did. thank goodness. my MIL left me with my 2 nephews like always, even though she gets $$$ to watch them and i end up with them every single day--but that is just a whole nother story for a whole nother day..... too tired.

i am reading a book by Beth Moore and doing the devotional journal along with it. it is a 40 day journey. maybe it'll help. i've always appreciated her way of relating to the bible. won't go into too much because it is a very personal thing but on hard days, i share this part of me sometimes.

just wish i had the energy. wish i had the spirit. wish i had the me of me that i used to be.

hard day. gotta rest for a better one tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Danny!

2008-07-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

For Daniel's Sixth Birthday he wanted to go to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor so we all loaded up our beach bags, grabbed our season passes, and went for those water slides on a hot summer July day! Isaac even got to ditch the first day of summer school since he is the big brother!

Marcie told him he could be "The Boss" for the day, and while that didn't really go over too well, fun was had by all! I am so happy we live so close to a water park, and i am sure the kids are too, especially since it was 100 degrees outside. I only went down one slide, a family slide, but watching the kids was great!
When the day was done, we came home and Daniel got the ice cream cake of his dreams! Who could ask for more!? Cool slides, cool cake, and a cool kid! What a day!

angry little april

2008-07-05T22:41:00.001-07:00

***IF YOU ARE A FOXY, YOU ALREADY READ THIS POST!****

so, i am doing alittle search on 2peas for this mini book that i want to start and i find this thread about cancer and this drug that i am taking that leads me to start reading.

as i begin to read i have to stop to pick my f*CKING JAW UP OFF THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!

i am so mad right now.

go to google. type in topamax and kidney stones.

tell me why i am still taking the damn drug.

if i get another kidney stone i can die people!

why would my urologist and my neurologist, both who know i am on the drug *MAXIMUM DOSE PEOPLE* and both who know i only have ONE FREAKING KIDNEY keep me on the freaking drug WITHOUT EVEN INFORMING ME of the POSSIBILITY of the INCREASED RISK of KIDNEY STONES!!!!

UGHHHH!

granted, going on the damn drug, which probably gave me the damn kidney stone, which lead to finding the damn cancer is what saved my beautiful life in the first place- but GOOD GOD! can you INFORM A GIRL PLEASE!? i am so sick of having to EDUCATE MYSELF! when we are taught to TRUST the doctors to take care of us.

here i go again!

watch out world- if you had plans on monday to go to the **** hills kaiser i would stay far away because you are going to hear me making LOTS AND LOTS OF NOISE!!!!! i have to find out if i am going to continue taking this damn drug or not.

UNBELIEVABLE!

Happy Birthday America!

2008-07-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

My Fourth of July started a few days ago actually with these lovely fireworks and these lovely people. My mom lives off of a manmade lake in Victorville and every year the homeowner's association puts on a fantastic fireworks show just about 100 yards from her backyard in the lake. We get together as a family and BBQ, chill, swim, and play. It's always a good day.

Then tonight, for the actual 4th of July, this cute guy and I went to Santa Monica and walked the pier. From there we were able to see the firework shows from all the other beaches. They were all so spectacular and bright. It was a good night. I want to take the kids to the pier for a little photo shoot this summer- lots of fun murals and stuff. Probably sometime in August.

I also did this layout for a Friday night challenge at Megan's site in honor of this lovely holiday! Isn't he just the cutest little thing you ever did see! It has been fun getting to know him this summer.

Need a Good Book to Read?

2008-07-03T01:40:00.000-07:00

Got this from Angel Gurl's blog and I must say that I love the list! Gives me something to do when insomnia gets the best of me, as it has tonight. Hell, maybe if I'd have one of these to pick up now I'd be asleep in no time.....

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.

let me also say that I was brought up in a home where mom hit and dad disciplined. If I got into trouble with dad, chances were that I was reading a book and find the moral of the story, writing a book report, and giving some type of presentation to the family. Probably why I like to read and don't mind public speaking....

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who've only read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

01. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
02. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
03. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
04. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling I read each one within hours of the release! (that in itself counts as six!)
05. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
06. The Bible - well parts of it
07. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
08. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
09. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare - some but not all
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (thank goodness, my sister got this one as a punishment!)
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - started, didn't finish
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini -never finished it.
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwel
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins It's on my bookshelf!
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist- Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet- William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (oh, i had to read this with my mom to go see it in the opera! - sooo good! read it if you haven't!)

So, 32 for me (37 if you count all the Potter books :)!)

three for tonight (scrap share)

2008-07-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

me and my siblings

(life's simple pleasures)

me and my mona

(be you.)

michael and mileny

(summer lovin')

simple pleasures

2008-07-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

i spent the last five days out of town with my family and found that simple pleasures are still the best kind. do you like spinning? if you haven't tried this in awhile, i highly recommend it. the smiles will rise to the surface of any face in seconds. don't believe me? start spinning......

Happy 2nd Birthday Abigail!

2008-06-30T00:28:00.000-07:00

MOSAIC

2008-06-25T23:30:00.001-07:00

got this from Amber's blog and it was a lot of fun!

you try it! and if you do- leave me a comment so i can see yours too!

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Where do you live?

Here's how mine came out:

Photo Credits:
1. Always Marry An April Girl, 2. イタリアの食べ物 · Italian food., 3. South Dade High School, Homestead, 4. Purple fingers, 5. +[ Johnny Depp: drop dead gorgeous ]+, 6. sweet and sober, 7. La Rocca - Cefalu - Sicily - Italy, 8. Rainbow Sherbert Soapsicle, 9. PLZ FORGIVE ME !, 10. ... finding my faith, 11. honest, 12. Hotel California

tennis anyone?

2008-06-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

emily and junior took their first tennis lesson yesterday at my mom's country club. the instructor was amazing and they had a GREAT experience! they will have three more lessons and then we will see what happens after that. i know NOTHING about tennis- i mean, not one single rule, so it is much different soccer. just nice to sit back and watch them having FUN!!!!

congratulations graduates!

2008-06-19T23:27:00.001-07:00

Here are some of my graduates! I am so proud of them!

This year has been an incredibly hard year for my students. Two of their teachers were IMPOSSIBLE to deal with and the fact that they survived them is just MIRACULOUS to say the least! Then I had to literally abandon them to take care of my own health and it literally took the life right out of a few of them. So many of my kids did not walk across the stage today. But the ones who did made me so proud. They were so happy. And they all looked so incredible! They did not know that I would be there so we all cried right away- but once those few tears got out, we smiled the day away. I love these kids. Some of the best I will ever know....

emily's summer hair...(EDITED)

2008-06-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

here it is:

good thing she is cute!

i hate her with short hair and i think R knows it.
it'll grow back.....

good thing she is so freaking adorable!

she can get away with anything!

*****Since my daughter knows me so well she could tell that i wasn't crazy about her haircut so I took advantage of Megan's website and the wonderful friday night challenge she had for this weekend (6/20/08) to show off emily's summer hair!!!! hopefully this will help her realize that i love her, with or without long hair!

i would love her bald!

my girl

2008-06-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

if you are just stopping by my bolg, then you don't know how much i love my job. if you know me and read my blog because you know me, then skip to the next paragragh..... i am a teacher. my job is one of the greatest joys in my life. for the past three years i have had the pleasure of knowing, and loving a great group of kids (i say this every year) and tomorrow they will graduate. i am the teacher that cries every year. i am the teacher that has kids crying around me every year. i love my students and my students love me. we get to become like a little family and we are very close. but over the past few years, there has been one little girl (who actually isn't so little) that has become like a daughter to me.

this is my girl mariah. literally, the entire school calls her "your girl." let me give you a little background information. last year she was a fighter. and i don't mean just a little bit. she beat a girl so bad that she knocked her out of her own shoes, beat her with them, and then they could not find the shoes- ANYWHERE!!!! they even checked the roof! so i tell you this so that you know she is not perfect- but are you?

anyway, mariah has it tough. father is not around. mom who tries so hard to always be involved and do the right thing. she lives and hour away from school and has to wake up at 5:20am to get on the bus in the morning and doesn't get back home until about 5:20 pm in the evening. she has a twin brother that is just a scrappy but i love him just as much. they struggle to have what the other kids have and still be "cool" in a world where everyone has "everything". she is an incredible athlete. she struggles with her identity and her own self-esteem. so much that i cannot say to make it all so easy for you all to understand. think dangerous minds, stand and deliver, freedom fighters----then times it by 5 and you might come, just maybe, alittle close, to a taste of mariah.

this year, mariah has had a complete turn around. not one single fight. well, until yesterday but she even handled that well- she told the girl she didn't want to fight AND WALKED AWAY! she yelled LEAVE ME ALONE and the girl followed her and then threw a bottle at her neck. well, then mariah beat her ass- but.... she tried.

anyway- complete turn around- seriously. no fights. great grades. good relationships with other teachers and peers. counseling to help deal with personal issues and how to handle all the dramarama of being a teenage girl. just basically learning how to cope in the world with all the emotions of a teenager and maturing into a young lady with self control. and her academics. oh my goodness- straight As. all year. and in the hardest classes with the hardest teachers! so proud of her!

well, last night--- my baby girl had her 8th grade award ceremony and she received a Presidential Award for Academic Excellence for having a GPA of 3.67 or better, as well as an academic award in Math, English, and Physical Education. I was such a proud mama.

i know as teachers we should not have favorites. and i don't even think "favorites" is the right word. but this is what i know: students like mariah make us better teachers. they remind us why we became teachers and they make us want to always be there for out kids. she has changed my life. she has reached right into my chest, grabbed my heart, ripped it out, held onto it for awhile, until finally, placing it back into place. seriously, we have had moments like that. where i thought she just might take the life right out of me. that is how much i love this girl. like my own. i want her successes to be so great. i want her to see how wonderful she is. i wish you all could know her.

tomorrow, i have to say goodbye to another group of students. and i cry each year. but tomorrow will be the hardest. because you see, this is the first time i feel that i have let my students down. i had to leave them to fight my cancer. and while i know i didn't (really) have a choice in this, i know that they don't know this.

yesterday at the ceremony, our principal read aloud two essays written about me by two of my 8th grade students. Let me leave you with an excerpt:

"On the other hand, some people say that Mrs. A should stay at home and get better. These people are dumb because they are not thinking of her students. Also, she leaves us with bad substitutes who do not teach math like her and only confuse us and she is also going to miss culmination and we will not get a final hug from her. Mrs. A PLEASE come back!"

oh, how i wish i could've.....

my 2 best friends

2008-06-14T18:40:00.001-07:00

i love you both soooo much. thanks for helping me through these last few months! you both mean the world to me! i love you!

scrap share ... just 2 more

2008-06-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

my friend megan started her own
scrapping forum
and there is all kinds of fun stuff going on over there including sketch challenges so i decided to play along! what do you think? pretty cute for trash, huh?

this one is of abbie. i just can't get enough

of her little itty bitty face lately.

every picture i see of her i want to scrap!

so unlike me! usually i am all about

those little boys!

Stand Up To Cancer

2008-06-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Saw this on Amber's blog and thought it was FANTASTIC!!! Plus, Lindalee keeps harping on me to do things for my own emotional health and things like this help me. So if you have the time, check it out, search for my star, and leave me alittle ditty! Thanks!

This is where the end of cancer begins.

I added my own star today. Please go on and leave me a message! Add your star today. You can search the constellation to see if your loved one is already there and you can add your donation to his/her star.

Mission Statement:
Here we stand, on the verge of unlocking the answers that will finally conquer the devastation that is cancer.
We now understand the very biology that drives cancer. With knowledge gained from the mapping of the human genome, we can now target the genes and pathways that are involved in turning normal cells into cancerous ones. We are on the brink of possessing a toolbox full of new, advanced technologies just waiting to be adapted to benefit patients. Right before us, so close we can almost touch them, are scientific breakthroughs in the prevention, detection, treatment and even reversal of this disease.
For the first time we can envision the possibility of stopping cancer in its tracks. But just when science is on the verge of giving us the breakthroughs that can end cancer, the will and the funding to do so are disappearing from the national agenda and from our collective consciousness.
Cancer takes one person every minute. One life in a moment. They are our brothers, our sisters, our fathers and mothers, our husbands and wives, our best friends, our children, ourselves. Every day in America 1500 people die and yet the means to save them are literally within our reach. To wait any longer for someone else to save our lives and the lives of those we love is unforgivable.
Inspired to act by our own personal experiences with cancer, we recognize that we can no longer rely on the current system alone to give us the breakthroughs we need. So, we are calling on the public to help take matters into our own hands, investing in a revolution that will change the way scientist and clinicians work to understand and treat these diseases. Stand Up To Cancer is more than a rallying cry. It is a galvanizing force created to urgently move cancer research forward.
This is where the end of cancer begins: when we unite in one unstoppable movement and Stand Up To Cancer.

i have been busy distracting myself

2008-06-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

and using up supplies. i do not have money and i do not typically buy new stuff so why not use what i have! take a look. it is not great- my friends, they are amazing in this industry- they create these amazing masterpieces that i just oooohhhh and aaahhhhh over. literally, my mouth drops open at what they do sometimes. but me, well, i like it, sometimes. and these ones, i like. so have a look:

and this is what i have decided. i don't think i need to buy another scrapping item except for adhesive and maybe a new blade for my cutter ALL YEAR LONG! if i do end up going to las vegas with bucket in october i might allow myself like $40 or something but other than that, i did every single one of these layouts using all my old stuff and i still like them- so, i am just gonna keep on using what i have. i am not one of those people that do this for a living. i do it for my family. and they know NADA about scrapping so i don't have to have the newest and nicest! AAAAHHHHHH! what freedom!

i did stop taking pictures for awhile and it did help that i had some pictures to scrap so i will have to make sure that i play everyday with these little faces around me! and snap away everyday!

don't you get it.....

2008-06-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

i was reading to day and this is what i said to myself "don't you get it!?"

This is what i read:

Most of you have flown on an airplane. Have you ever wondered why they tell you to put your OWN mask on first, before you help your child? Seems kinda selfish, doesn’t it? I mean, we’ve been taught that the ultimate in love is self sacrifice, right? Why do these airlines tell us to save ourselves first?!? There’s a practical reason they instruct you to do this. Think about it. How can you help someone when you’re unconscious or struggling for breath?

Love is similar to that air mask. You can’t fully love another unless you love yourself FIRST. Strap that air mask on good and tight, and you can love an endless amount. If you don’t love yourself first, you have no love to give. If you truly put yourself first in love, nurture yourself, honor what you want, and make YOUR happiness the number one priority, you are better equipped to love others. Love deeper. We love others to the degree we love ourselves.
And as I've said, part of loving one’s self is accepting (being okay with) who we are.

Consequently, we love to the degree we’re happy. While we are unhappy and attending to our fears, we are not loving. The self is always crying out for acceptance. When we deny ourselves that acceptance, life gets twisted. Our attention gets sucked into a void inside ourselves, leaving nothing left to give to another.

As i read this i realized how twisted it all really is. How necessary change is. scary place to be.

grandma minnie

2008-05-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

my grandma minnie died today.

she was my light. you see, as a child, i grew up around very rigid, sad, and unhealthy women. but there was one. oh- this one- who was so unlike all the others.

my grandma minnie. and i guess that is why this is so hard. despite that fact that she was nearly 99 years old, seriously. in august, she would have been 99. and a life so well lived.

my sweet italian nona.

so funny and forthright. so loving and kind. such a giving smile. and honest to the core. but with a heart of gold. and grandma's gravy- gosh, how'd we'd fight over grandma's gravy. and there is no recipe. only grandma can create that masterpiece. and she knew it. and it made her proud.

the weekend before my surgery she had a little trip to the hospital and i knew she would be going soon. my whole family went to visit- but i didn't go. my sister took emily with her. i didn't want the last memory i had of my grandma to be her in a hospital bed. i just didn't want to see her that way. it was the saturday before my surgery too. and i was a wreck that weekend anyway. crying at the drop of a hat. stressed about school. worried about work. couldn't have kept it together if i tried.

so i passed on the visit- knowing damn well that it was my last chance to see her alive.

and i don't regret it. but damn i miss her already.

in 1994, my great grandma tillotson died. she was 94 years old. it was the first family death i had every experienced. the day i got back to ohio state from her funeral, some friends, one in particular, miriam, was killed in a car accident. i was supposed to be with her that night. as a matter of fact, i was supposed to be driving the car that was crushed. but i told miriam to leave without me because i was too tired from the funeral.

and now, years later- i get cancer, and my other great grandma dies. why do i tell you this? i tell you this because i think they both died to save me. you can think that i am crazy. many of you already probably already do. but both of these women had fire in their blood up til the day they died. hardly even a cough. one dies the night i am supposed to go out with a group of friends who end up in heaven and the other dies just after i find out i have cancer.

they are my angels.

my grandma minnie is the core of my family. she always had faith that my father and i would restore our relationship. she could never talk about our fallout without tears. it broke her heart what happened to the two of us. a part of me is praying now that she understands where my heart lies in this aspect of my life. i hope that she can find peace now, the way i have with this.

i also hope she can understand why i didn't go and see her that day and why i don't regret my decision today. her smile, her laughter. forever frozen in my mind. the smell of her, not "a place". this is why i did not go.

i miss you so much already grandma. please save me a place in heaven. i cannot wait to see you again.

i love you.

disbelief.

2008-05-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

my great grandma minnie died today. she is one of the greatest women i will ever get the chance to love. i can't believe she's gone.

perfect little boy pictures

2008-05-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

so adorable!

staying strong....

2008-05-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

well, there it is.... scarred. PROOF. i finally got to take off the covering yesterday. and there it is. what can be seen. i have other pictures. ones i haven't publicly posted yet- of the actual tumor taken during surgery. it is a monster. just praying that nothing was left behind. pray with me. to help me organize everything, i received a gift in the mail this morning- and it came at just the right time becaue not only will it help me organize, it just might help me heal. take a look....

someone who loves me surprised me with this journal from http://www.livestrong.org/

i was never really into the yellow wrist band thing- don't get me wrong- i support any cancer survivor, but i didn't even wear the purple ones when i ran for team in training. i raised lots and lots of money to support leukemia and lymphoma society but i just never wore them.

but in these past few days, i have really been having a hard time with all of this. dealing with it all- because my mind is not in the same place that my body is in. you see- my mind wants to be over all of this. my body, on the other hand- is so wrecked it can hardly get through an outing. i don't need to write about that again, just see two post ago if you missed it.

so this gift was well needed.

here's what it has:

and they sent me 20 of these little yellow glimmers of hope! if you want one, let me know. i will send one out to you. you just have to promise to support cancer awareness in anyway that you can. through words, walks, or funds. just do what you can! you never know when it might effect you. either way- i have them if you want one- first come first served! Off to Survivorship......

http://www.livestrong.org/

1-866-235-7205

i apologize

2008-05-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

for my previous pity party.

i just had a moment. it happens.

i'm all better now.....

just make it go away.....

2008-05-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

don't you dare tell my sister, or my mother, or lindalee- but i have mastered the art of overdoing it and i am paying for it today.

i so wanted to be the person that could kick cancer's ass.

i so wanted to be the person that could find out she has cancer, get the surgery, lose a kidney, come home from the hospital, and return to life as she knows it.

i so wanted to be that person.

i am so not that person.

and i am sad. and i am mad. and i want all of this to be over.

i want to be the person that can get up and drive. or go make dinner.

i want to be the person that can go scrap with her friends on saturday, go the the museum with her family on sunday, hang out with her brother, niece, and nephew and kids on monday- and not feel like she got ran over by a freaking bigrig on tuesday.

i am not that person.

when will i get to be me again?

when will i be the girl that beat cancer and not the girl who cancer is beating?

oh God, i know that i should be grateful. I know that there are people who are dying and who are going through so much more. but this is so much harder than i thought it would be.

please make it go away.

i need to be me again.

impromptu field trip

2008-05-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

we went out to lunch at Beeps this afternoon as a family and then the hubby decided to take us here:

he had been wanting to go to see this exhibit:

he is in a car club called Lifestyle Car Club and a few members and the owner have their cars on display at the exhibit so he wanted to go and see the other cars at the exhibit so we all went for fun.

in addition to the La Vida Lowrider exhibit, the kids LOVED these ones:

the Cars exhibit was all about the making of the movie- super cool stuff!

hot wheels history- do you know that someone bought a hot pink hot wheels van for $72,000!!!!!!! INSANITY!!!!!!!

super fun stuff from hollywood movies! kids loved the stuff from batman.

and these were my favorites:

just super sexy rides in this exhibit. new and old.

this one was just interesting to see the future of our automotive industry. i am usually not super into this stuff but it was fun to learn some new information and see how the museum used local schools (middle and high schools) and i mean REALLY local to do so investigating on the subject.

not a planned event, and a bit hard to get through with the recovery process- got really exhausted towards the end, but a good day with the family. if you are bored forthe day you should go- and if you have little ones, the 3rd floor is just for them! they can run and play!

scrap share

2008-05-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

junior with braces!

emily and isaac starting 3rd grade together.

abbie and her baby that she is so in love with!

junior and the ortho office before getting braces.

bucket did this one for me, i just decorated it! i just love love love what she does with paper! her mind is my playground! i cannot believe that my girl is already 9 years old!

baby mikey and is go all out attitude!

daniel and emily- i actually got a picture of them when they were getting along!

that's all folks!

hey bucket- thanks for taking me out for the day to scrap. even though it was totally exhausting and a bit overwhelming at times, it was good to be with you and see the girls!

love ya!

Bonnie and Clyde

2008-05-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

thought this was cool- this day in history:

May 23, 1934
Police kill famous outlaws Bonnie and Clyde
On this day in 1934, notorious criminals Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow are shot to death by Texas and Louisiana state police while driving a stolen car near Sailes, Louisiana.
Bonnie Parker met the charismatic Clyde Barrow in Texas when she was 19 years old and her husband (she married when she was 16) was serving time in jail for murder. Shortly after they met, Barrow was imprisoned for robbery. Parker visited him every day, and smuggled a gun into prison to help him escape, but he was soon caught in Ohio and sent back to jail. When Barrow was paroled in 1932, he immediately hooked up with Parker, and the couple began a life of crime together.
After they stole a car and committed several robberies, Parker was caught by police and sent to jail for two months. Released in mid-1932, she rejoined Barrow. Over the next two years, the couple teamed with various accomplices to rob a string of banks and stores across five states--Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, New Mexico and Louisiana. To law enforcement agents, the Barrow Gang--including Barrow's childhood friend, Raymond Hamilton, W.D. Jones, Henry Methvin, Barrow's brother Buck and his wife Blanche, among others--were cold-blooded criminals who didn't hesitate to kill anyone who got in their way, especially police or sheriff's deputies. Among the public, however, Parker and Barrow's reputation as dangerous outlaws was mixed with a romantic view of the couple as "Robin Hood"-like folk heroes.
Their fame was increased by the fact that Bonnie was a woman--an unlikely criminal--and by the fact that the couple posed for playful photographs together, which were later found by police and released to the media. Police almost captured the famous duo twice in the spring of 1933, with surprise raids on their hideouts in Joplin and Platte City, Missouri. Buck Barrow was killed in the second raid, and Blanche was arrested, but Bonnie and Clyde escaped once again. In January 1934, they attacked the Eastham Prison Farm in Texas to help Hamilton break out of jail, shooting several guards with machine guns and killing one.
Texan prison officials hired a retired Texas police officer, Captain Frank Hamer, as a special investigator to track down Parker and Barrow. After a three-month search, Hamer traced the couple to Louisiana, where Henry Methvin's family lived. Before dawn on May 23, Hamer and a group of Louisiana and Texas lawmen hid in the bushes along a country road outside Sailes. When Parker and Barrow appeared, the officers opened fire, killing the couple instantly in a hail of bullets.
All told, the Barrow Gang was believed responsible for the deaths of 13 people, including nine police officers. Parker and Barrow are still seen by many as romantic figures, however, especially after the success of the 1967 film Bonnie and Clyde, starring Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty.

hard choices

2008-05-23T20:03:00.001-07:00

my husband and his father had to take his middle sister to the hospital today for a 72 hour mental health hold. she will be evaluated and hopefully receive the treatment she so desperately needs. if you have a moment, please pray for her. she is struggling. i can only pray that the doctors can treat her and her mind can find peace so that our family can begin to heal. she really has been hurting for sometime now and has hurt many around her in the process. hopefully, this step will be the beginning of the healing process for everyone, especially her.

good company

2008-05-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

bucket came over tonight and watched Ugly Betty with me. she said she typically doesn't watch it but i actually do. i watch it alone though so she probably thought i was crazy as i yelled - GO TO ROME! three hundred times into the television screen! for those of you that don't know- i am on team gio! i think henry is a user. and i think betty deserves so so so much more!

anyway- it was great seeing bucket. she always makes me happy! but you all know that already. she even brought me my favorite eggrolls and sticky white rice from mandarin island! YUMMY! and she ate her cat! MEOW! or maybe it was dog.... RUFF! RUFF!

images of boredom

2008-05-20T00:06:00.001-07:00

sorry- this is how i passed the time. now, posting them is how i continue to.

this was my room #. i was in bed B.

outside my door there was this sign to let everyone know i could bust my ass at any given moment- lovely! i didn't fall at all though!

this is bed a- but go on- stretch your imagination!

if my ass was not in my bed, it was in this chair.

God bless this creation.

my agenda, according to the control freaks outside!

two very important cups. if you,ve been there, you understand.

i stole these!

my breathing fun. a good distaction for little ones!

and all because of this.... more graphic pictures to follow another day.

uncle bobby's visit

2008-05-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

my bruncle came to visit right before my surgery. here are some pics:

this is his baby

nick the stick

here he is with tristan

oh, and the boys- mikey and jacob and yes, we look like crap here but hey, we love each other!

so sad he's gone!

trying to be better....

2008-05-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

came across this quote on another blog i visit- something to ponder....

Robert Francis Kennedy : It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

some people think....

2008-05-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

cancer is the worst thing in the world.

they are wrong.

Cancer Removal Week in Review May 12th- Present

2008-05-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

well, i am slowly getting back to the swing of things.

and when i say slowly, i mean- S- L-O-W-L-Y. i must be honest and let you all know that this has been much harder than i had hoped it would be.

today has been my toughest day emotionally and the tears just keep coming for some reason. doctor called early, around 845am and confirmed, through a pathology report that i did, in fact have cancer so the recovery course does have to be a bit more detailed. there was a chance, a very small chance, but a chance that it wasn't cancer and i guess a bigger part of me than i had realized was holding on to that so the news hit me harder than i thought it would.

anyway- monday morning i woke up and my husband drove me to the hospital. my brother and my mom met me there. they each took turns with me for about an hour and them it was drugs and i was out of it.

they tell me surgery took a little longer than expected, about 4 hours, but went well.the tumor was much larger than expected. it was orginally measured at 7cm but was actually alittle over 12. about the size of a baseball. the doctor told my family "well, that was impressive and she definately should not have waited" so all is good. he has to change the original position of extraction as well, instead of the plan of taking it from the side, it was taken from the front of my stomach. about three inches to the left of my belly button. the incision was orginally only going to be two to three inches but it is close to four.

the first two days were horrible. on top of the pain, a migraine decided to come and wipe me out- three injections later it was gone. don't remember much. bucket came to visit towards the end of the second day and i was doing a bit better by then but she did see alittle break down when they had to move me around on the bed.

the third day, wednesday was good. i was up and walking more. not throwing up anymore. the deep pain was gone and the surface pain was a bit more bearable. just having bed pain now. doctor said i would get to leave the hospital the next day. my sister came that night and gave me a break from my mom which i needed cuz i was just being a bitch.

thursday i finally got to shower which i was so thankful for becuase wednesay night i sweated like crazy and i left the hospital in the afternoon. my mom brought me to her house after spending a few hours at home with the kids and the husband. last night my sister came over and rubbed my back because it was hurting so bad!

today- emotional mess. drugs coming outta me. the news that it positively was cancer and the course of treatment that i have to go through now because of that news. i just want this to be over. and the truth is, i have a long journey to walk.

for those of you that are dealing with health issues- i want to share this with you: i was not well. i mean, i really did not feel well for a very long time. and i told my doctors. i told my family. i told some friends. and i think most of them thought that i was full of shilt. or making it up. or just "not tough enough" or felt like complaining.

so, if you have not felt like yourself for along time now- and i mean- if you really don't feel well- please get help- go make noise- DEMAND CT SCANS, MRIs, Blood Work. Whatever you need.

because the truth is, if i didn't get that kidney stone, this tumor was goingto burst open, and i would have had cancer spead all over my body, and i could have died. and i was telling people. i was going to doctors. and they didn't REALLY listen.

STOP BEING POLITE.
MAKE THEM LISTEN TO YOU.
YOU ARE WORTH IT AND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS REAL.
YOU ARE NOT WEAK.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

okay, i am crying now because it gets me so upset and like i said, i am so emotional but thank you all so much for thinking of me and praying for me and keep sending me words of support!

even if you call me and i don't call you back, it means a lot to me. if you work with me- tell my babies i love and miss them!

i need it.
love ya!